Found on a Friday
Friday, July 10, 2020
Great reads from fellow writers
Wednesday, July 8, 2020
The struggle to hold on or let go
I thought I would be with her when she stepped away from
earth and into heaven. She had been laboring more with her breathing the past
few days, strong medicine keeping her out of consciousness. I honestly did not
think it would be the night she left us. Yet I kissed her and told her it was
ok to go home that evening. How could I say that and not realize what was going
to happen? Her breathing was a loud rattling. If you’ve ever sat with someone
who is dying you know that sound. It is unmistakable and horrible. There’s no
way to sleep through that sound, yet that is what I did. I put in ear plugs,
took a sedative and went to sleep. So many sleepless nights had left me
exhausted. If I could just sleep a few hours. Around 2:00 am I woke up
suddenly. No rattled breathing. All was quiet. Wait… is she gone? I jumped up
from the bed and walked to her side. No, she was not breathing. I held her hand
and it was still warm. Oh Mom. Her hand still has the warmth of life in it.
Hands that held me in strong embrace only five days ago while I sobbed.
Have you walked the long road home with a loved one before? Watched
a chronic illness shrink the life in someone? If you have, you know the tension
that is never resolved: You don’t want
her to struggle any more, and you also don’t want to let her go. You cannot
have both. Years of watching her quality of life diminish in no way makes the
final good-bye a blessed event. Even the promise of her finally being Home does
nothing for the pain. As a believer that is hard to admit. And I know for
certain that Jesus himself does not judge me for that. He knew that pain too.
Do you remember the story of Lazarus? Jesus, being fully God knew that his beloved
friend would die. And he knew he would raise him back to life. Yet when confronted
with the grief of losing his friend and seeing the pain of Mary and Martha,
what did he do? He wept.
It is only now that I can grasp the profound mystery and
comfort of that shortest verse in the bible. He knows my pain. He feels my grief
as real as I feel it now. Simultaneously he knows the joy of having my mom home
with him, healed forever. Grief and joy. A time to mourn and a time to dance.
Jesus can mourn with me and dance with my mom. In Him all things truly do hold
together. And in him I am held together.
Thursday, February 20, 2020
Found at the Beach
Saturday, February 8, 2020
Found in my Mom
Mom 1967 (31 years old) |
Mom 2018 (79 years old) |
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Faith: Found in His Faithfulness
While that may be a part of faith, it is certainly does not encompass all that such a small, yet enormously powerful word means. I'm learning that faith in my life is trusting God, His Son, the Holy Spirit, this triune person... implicitly.
It's one thing to believe in the existence of God. It is entirely another to trust Him with every ounce of your being and make yourself vulnerable to the wild ride that is real faith.
Have you read the hall of fame of faith in Hebrews 11 in a while? It starts out with the definition of faith: "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I hope for heaven and I'm certain that I will live there eternally one day. I don't struggle with doubts about death and life beyond with Jesus. In fact, some days I long for Him to return so that I can throw off the struggles of this earthly faith walk.
But what about hope and certainty in this life? What does faith really look like in a fallen world where the enemy of our soul runs rampant? Most of us will not experience an impending flood and massive ark construction. It is highly unlikely that God will repeat the Abraham Isaac test. But there are impending "floods" we've been called to prepare for and seemingly impossible choices and "tests" that are before all of us at one point or another.
The question is, will our faith be real? Will we be absolutely certain of what we do not see? At the moment, I can't see God's promise that I will come through on the other side of my currently splintered life and ridiculous circumstances. But I know that He's promised me I will. There's hardly even a glimpse of redemption right now, but His promise is still true.
"He does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17). God doesn't change His mind and put us on an emotional roller coaster. We get on that ride ourselves by listening to every vacillating emotional tide that comes our way.
How do I get to know this unchanging Person? He is known through His Word. And if He does not change, then His Word does not change and this living text can also be trusted. His word says that "The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it" (1 Thessalonians 5:24) and "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." (Psalm 100:5)
Those are just a few verses regarding His faithfulness toward us. So even when my faith is lacking, seems weak, or non-existent... He. Is. Faithful. How amazing is that? It floors me that I am loved by a God who does not leave me when I am at my lowest point. He is not exhausted by days of rock solid faith followed by weeks of despair and doubt. His faithfulness toward me is steady and strong and relentless.
He is the bridegroom that will never give up on me. He will never abandon me. My weakest moments do not scare Him. Instead, these moments make His love and faithfulness toward me even more evident. I know He is near. I know He carries me. He hurts when I hurt and "longs to be gracious to me and show me compassion" (Isaiah 30:18). I cannot do anything that will bring about rejection.
So the God of the universe, who could have anything, chooses to pursue me and be faithful to me despite all my doubts and fears and failures. He is faithful. He leaves the ninety-nine to find the one. And though I've been a believer and "found" for over twenty-three years, He continues to seek me out and find me daily. He finds me because of His faithfulness and He calls me to trust Him.
To have faith.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Distraction
So many glorious things have happened in this past year. But I lost focus on Him yet again. He has redeemed, renewed, restored, rebuilt, re-everythinged my life. And still I am Doug from "Up" chasing the squirrels of this world.
I'm am so easily distracted. Oh my word, so easily distracted. But I don't think it's because I have diagnosable attention issues. At least not according to the DSM-V.
No, I'm distracted because I take my eyes off Jesus.
In the post that preceded this I used a verse from Hebrews 12 - "let us fix our eyes on Jesus..."
Please note that the previous post is now over a year old. Could it be that I got a bit distracted again? Um, yes.
Until the past two weeks. It started on another Palm Sunday.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Who is this you are making me?
Reflection has been the theme of the past nine months of my life. In late July of last year everything that I thought was secure began to fall apart. Looking back, the crumbling began years before. But I couldn't see it. I was blind. I lived in fear. The most deceptive kind of fear. The fear that if I didn't do life on my own, my way, and in my timing that I would be a complete failure.
I was a hamster on a wheel. Spinning spinning spinning, going no where, and wearing myself out in the process. The irony is that all of this self-fueled effort was the real failure.
The wheel came to a screeching halt last summer. God did not intend for me to live the life of a hamster on a wheel, in a cage. He intended me to live a life of beautiful freedom in Him.
I had ignored His still small voice for too long. So He did what any good parent does. He loved me enough to let me fall. He knew that I would not listen until every false source of security was ripped away.
He literally threw me off the wheel, out of the cage I had built, and into the big scary world. The false sense of security I had developed over the course of many years quickly revealed itself as well.... false.
Much of my reflection in the months since has been a sorting out of what is false and what is true. The Truth versus the lies. I want to share more of that in the days and weeks to come and I think I might be ready to do just that. I've started to do that a few times on this blog, but I've never shared the full story.
That's a little scary. But not nearly as scary as living like a hamster in a cage.
Now that we've established that I'm not a hamster - yeah. Who is this He is making me to be? That's a question that Beth Moore asked during her Simulcast on September 15, 2012. There were 7 points within that talk. The one that has me in reflection today is number 6:
Yes it does.
That verse has run through my mind more often that I could dare to count during these months. Through His resurrection I too am resurrected. I have real life because of Him. No more hamster on a wheel. It's a life of daring adventure and excitement around every corner. It's freedom.
Life is actually not complicated when we truly "fix our eyes." It gets complicated when we focus on anything else. Not only does it get complicated, it gets constricted because our own worries and fears create boundless limits to what we think can happen.
Beth Moore's follow-up to point 6:
"All bets are off... He can do anything."
And oh my word... the anything has left me breathless lately. What took years to nearly destroy, God has redeemed and restored in nine short months. I want to share more of that with you and I pray for the courage to do so.
I hope you too have had time to be quiet and reflect on this Sunday.