Transition

I have been unemployed for a little over two months. Please don't lament for me, this was my choice. I'll admit, I have questioned my decision at times, but for the majority of the past 9ish weeks I have been quite content to break away from a high pressure full-time job.

Now, I'm supposed to be writing feverishly on my dissertation during this time. I'm getting there.

What I did not realize (and have never realized for that matter) is that major life changes don't often lend themselves well to jumping from one high pressure situation into another. There is a very real, very tangible, very necessary place for transition.

Hmm... that's actually the focus of my dissertation. Students with disabilities who are in transition from school to work. That's funny, I had not intention of that coming out or connecting when I started this blog post. The first title was going to be "Rediscovering and Redefining" and then that sentence came out. That's how He works though. Love Him.

So I'm in transition. I'm healing. I'm sipping my coffee a little longer and reading the local newspaper each morning. I have the time to make a shopping list based on the 3 sale papers of grocery stores I like. I'm meeting friends for lunch. I'm listening more. I could go on and on and on.....

And I will, tomorrow.

But right now I am leaving the public library because a sweet neighbor friend of my parents just walked in and as we chatted it turns out she needs to go to the same grocery store I do. And on a recent trip to Memphis she picked up something she'd like to give them and I'm going to journey with her.

Day 31: Found at the Cemetery

I know, it's not exactly a catchy or cute title for today's post. But hey, it's Halloween so maybe it is mildly appropriate. 

I went by another cemetery today. I took my dad a few weeks ago so that we could leave flowers at his parents' and grandparents' (my grandparents' and great grandparents') graves. This is not something that we do often - or really at all. But in my recent return home I have the overwhelming urge to learn about and from my past.

Here's a picture of my great grandparents:

Daisy & Horace
c. 1906

Horace rode across the mountain from Tennessee into North Carolina on a horse for like 20ish miles just to court Daisy. Can you imagine?

And here is their fourth child, my grandmother.

Merill
c. 1938

She was 28 in this picture and already had four children of her own. She drove her entire life without ever obtaining a license. At some point in the late 70s or early 80s she was pulled over and cited by a city policeman, but she still did not get her license. 

And here is a picture of her parents, Horace and Daisy, in their later years. Many many many exciting, strange, scary, miraculous, sad, joyous, and lovely things happened between that picture from 1906 and this picture in 1965. 

Horace & Daisy
c. 1965

I hope I can write about these things some day. Growing up I heard many hilarious stories about these family members. After all, when folks are gone we want to retell the joyous and the funny things right? Nothing wrong with that. There's a host of things about this side of my family that I want to cement into my memory and into the traditions I create with my family.

But there's more to a person's life than the happy. There's the sad. There's the generational behaviors or tendencies (and sometimes sin) that happened too. There's the stuff that if left unmentioned and ignored may be repeated for generations to come. I don't intend to go on some gossip finding mission or anything - not at all. But in listening to stories and events I have started to "hear" things differently and wonder.

And when I look at myself, my family, and my decisions I can't help noticing some striking similarities. Some make me laugh. Others make me cry.

Today when I removed the dead flowers I stared at my maiden name on my grandparents grave. How do I want my family's name to be remembered? What part of "us" do I want to live on and what part of "us" must die in order that He might live? I guess I can't ask those questions in the plural. I can't decide what other family members will do with our heritage.

But I can make that choice myself. Hmm... wrong again. I'd rather He make those choices, whisper them to my heart, and then I obey.

More to come...

Days 27, 28, 29 and 30: Found in the Small

I have the general feeling of being small lately. I can't say that I welcomed this feeling. By "small" I do not mean anything regarding an actual or tangible size to anything. I just mean the opposite of the generally large/overwhelming/often-times all-consuming things of this life.

I used to have a "big" job. I frantically worked to establish and improve my image in my field. I made presentations, dressed older than my age, and wrote about survey results and such. And I talked about it a lot.

Now I have no job. Doesn't get much smaller than "none." In fact, I've been turned down for every job that I have applied for in 10 months. Makes me feel quite small.

I can no longer end my days looking back on the previous 8 to 10 hours patting myself on the back for a great presentation, a finished report, or kudos from my employer or coworkers. While none of those are bad things in and of themselves I now realize how much I depended on my "big" job to define me.
I'm actually more joyful and peaceful in my current unemployment than I ever was in my job.

And it's not just the lack of a job that makes me feel small. I also do not live in my own house. Instead, I reside in a small guest room at my aunt's house. The clothes I brought take up one side of a small closet and three dresser drawers. Seriously - that's it. My schedule (or lack of) also makes me feel small. I literally spent about 10 minutes this morning putting "library" into the next 6 weeks of my calendar so that it would say something.

All this smallness has left me a lot of time to pray and listen. I purposely did not say "think." Inordinate amounts of time "thinking" out of my own devices (aka "my flesh") never go well for me. No... that's actually speaks more to the largeness of myself and my ideas. And we're talking about being small today. So I'm learning to embrace this "more of Him, less of me" way of life.

And that makes me feel small in a very cool way.

Day 26: Found in Fish

I was going to title this one "Found in Salmon Patties" - but I just couldn't.  However, there ya go, it's the first line.

Two days ago I made salmon patties in an effort to use what was available in the pantry instead of buying new groceries. I truly love these fishy things. Apparently they were a staple if you grew up in the 1940s, 50s, and 60s. I did not grow up then, but my parents are older and as such I grew up taking part in older traditions.

It had been a very very long time since I had made these so I followed a recipe. I then had the bright idea to share my leftovers with a family member. This person loves these fishy treats as well. So when I called to thank this person for the food items they left in exchange (their idea not mine), I was surprised to discover that a compliment and rave reviews were not in order. Nope. What did I get?

Person:  "What did you think of them? Did you like them?"
Me:  "Yes."
Person:  "Did you think they tasted like your mom's?"
Me:  "Um... I actually liked mine a lot. I've not had my mom's in like 10 plus years. I don't know. I'm sure hers were better. Most things she makes are."
Person:  "Yeah, I thought so. Can I offer you some suggestions should you make them again?"
Me:  "Sure."

Really? Why do some people only offer up a healthy dose of criticism at every possible opportunity? I was trying to do something nice. I've actually avoided this person a lot lately for this very reason. Then the minute I go out on a limb and try... that's what I get.

And then to myself I say "Really? You're going to let salmon patty criticism ruin your evening? Really? Are you that insecure?"

Yes, yes I am. There are moments when my flesh is that weak.

And then I laughed a lot. At the entire situation.

And then my husband showed up the next night as I was just finishing up the last salmon patty leftover. Another "Really?" We're trying to mend things and the night he shows up I'm parked in front of the television with a TV tray smelling of canned fish. Really I say?"

And then I laughed a lot - again.

Thank you for finding me in fish Jesus.

Days 23, 24, and 25: Found in No Surprises

During these months, weeks, days, and minutes of being found I keep being reminded of something a dear person prayed over me:

"Jesus, this is not a surprise to you."

Truly, there are absolutely no surprises for Him. None. 

The possible "perfect storm" brewing out in the Atlantic - He sees it coming. He already knows the outcome. The exact path. Every molecule of seawater that it will move. 

The "perfect storms" of relationships, illness, and loss -  He also sees those coming. And He already knows the outcome. The exact path we will take. Every tear we will cry. Every word we will yell. Every cancer cell and healthy cell that chemo will destroy. Every relationship that it will alter. 

These storms often do not meet our expectations of fairness. My human mind cannot reason its way through to understanding the purpose of it all. Asking why and wondering to what end is a normal default. It's how our human minds are trained.

I'm a little over being "normal" by human standards though. Normal has not served me well. Normal reasons, figures out, blames, wallows, turns inward, and becomes a victim. Normal is exhausting.

Instead, I'm craving the foolish default setting. The wisdom of heaven is often seen as foolishness in the eyes of this world. Such foolishness trusts, walks it out, commends, praises, reaches out, and becomes a victor. Foolishness is exhilarating. 

Now please understand, I am by no means an expert on embracing the foolish and forsaking the normal. No, I'm just learning these lessons. And I will continue to learn them for the rest of this earthly life. But in the moments of clarity when I listen long enough to hear Him whisper, "I'm not surprised by this" I have found the sweetest rest. Instead of dwelling on the circumstance He has reminded me of His indwelling Spirit. And where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 

Where is the Spirit of the Lord? In me.

What else is found in that place? Freedom.

So I can live in freedom. 

Freedom.

Freedom from fear, blame, doubt, depression, apathy, rage, malice, and on and on and on and on. 

No matter what storms swirl around me, these things cannot hold me captive. They will not conquer me. I am more than a conquerer. 

He has marked out the race already. No twists, turns, rain, sunshine, valleys, Alp like climbs, speed bumps, or even face plants on the pavement will shock Him. 

And because He is in me... they don't have to shock me either. 

Again, this is a new way of thinking and behaving for me. As I type it I fully expect to trip on my walk back to my car and literally face plant in the parking lot.

But... what if this kind of thinking became our default setting? Can you imagine?

Days 20, 21, and 22: Found in Family

I have spent this past long weekend soaking up some much needed time with my family.

My aunts and uncles are in their late 70s and early 80s. Most of my first cousins are in their 50s or older. I have always loved being in this kind of older family dynamic. They take time with each other. They tell stories - really well. The same stories actually. And I always laugh hysterically even though I know what is coming next. They simply never get old.

We love to play cards. Variations of gin and canasta I suppose. Our favorite for the past several years has been Hand and Foot. While I've been living away for the past 3 years they started playing this game with partners. I discovered a few weeks ago that they always sit in the same spots around the dining room table at my aunt's house. Six players - always.

My uncle passed this summer. So when I moved back home I took his place.
"Took his place." Doesn't sound or seem right.

So now I'm partners with my Aunt Ann for Hand and Foot. She's quite the card player. This past weekend though my aunt had a church event the night we played cards. So, my cousin who was visiting took her place. My uncle was her father. So she sat in his place. And I sat in my aunt's place at the head of the table.

I voiced that I was not comfortable with taking her seat. You see my aunt is quite a force. And I mean that as a compliment. She commands a room in an amazingly strong, yet soft and feminine way. There's no "taking her place."She should be pictured next to "hostess" in Webster's.

We still had a truly lovely evening though. The card game was a hoot though my cousin and I started a game with negative 2,000ish points after one hand. Ha! We ate, shared stories, teased, and reminisced.

Being around them awakens something powerful within me. I'm sure you've experienced the same with your families. I wonder what pieces of them I will carry with me when they are gone. Will my children enjoy being around their aunts and uncles this much as they grow up? I sure hope so.

Day 19: Found in Unemployment

Well, I interviewed for a job about a month ago and learned today that someone else was selected. I got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I really thought I had it. The panel seemed to like me and I liked them. My references were called and they all told me that their conversations with the hiring manager were just spectacular. I still knew it was not a done deal. But I sure did have my hopes up.

I shed a few tears. But honestly... I felt peace about 15 or 20 minutes after the initial shock. Truly, I did.

He has a different plan for me. It's still unfolding. Whatever He has marked out for me is spectacular. And the rest of this afternoon was just that.

I took my niece to see my friend. My friend dressed her sweet dog in a Halloween t-shirt and we laughed a lot. We went to the Farmer's Market to buy apple cider and look at crafts. Then my husband asked me to meet him at work briefly. He was so kind and understanding about how I felt. He experienced the same "let down" a year or so ago. Again, there was a much better plan for him. It's nice to have those rare moments in life when you or someone else truly "get it" when you feel a certain way. It was comforting.

And now I'm off to make chicken chili for an all afternoon-all evening family card playing event tomorrow. The chili will be better if it sits for a while.

As will my future....