Great reads from fellow writers

Are you wondering where your identity rests? In this post, Lisa Dean explores finding your identity in Christ in a deeply personal way:  https://lisazdean.com/dealing-with-the-real-question-behind-what-is-my-identity-in-christ/#comment-73

Are you needing some encouragement about the upcoming school year with the ever present pandemic? You simply must read what Leah McKinney has to share here - beautiful!!

https://leahmckinney.com/three-tips-to-help-you-with-school-this-year/

The struggle to hold on or let go

I thought I would be with her when she stepped away from earth and into heaven. She had been laboring more with her breathing the past few days, strong medicine keeping her out of consciousness. I honestly did not think it would be the night she left us. Yet I kissed her and told her it was ok to go home that evening. How could I say that and not realize what was going to happen? Her breathing was a loud rattling. If you’ve ever sat with someone who is dying you know that sound. It is unmistakable and horrible. There’s no way to sleep through that sound, yet that is what I did. I put in ear plugs, took a sedative and went to sleep. So many sleepless nights had left me exhausted. If I could just sleep a few hours. Around 2:00 am I woke up suddenly. No rattled breathing. All was quiet. Wait… is she gone? I jumped up from the bed and walked to her side. No, she was not breathing. I held her hand and it was still warm. Oh Mom. Her hand still has the warmth of life in it. Hands that held me in strong embrace only five days ago while I sobbed.

Have you walked the long road home with a loved one before? Watched a chronic illness shrink the life in someone? If you have, you know the tension that is never resolved:  You don’t want her to struggle any more, and you also don’t want to let her go. You cannot have both. Years of watching her quality of life diminish in no way makes the final good-bye a blessed event. Even the promise of her finally being Home does nothing for the pain. As a believer that is hard to admit. And I know for certain that Jesus himself does not judge me for that. He knew that pain too. Do you remember the story of Lazarus? Jesus, being fully God knew that his beloved friend would die. And he knew he would raise him back to life. Yet when confronted with the grief of losing his friend and seeing the pain of Mary and Martha, what did he do? He wept.    

It is only now that I can grasp the profound mystery and comfort of that shortest verse in the bible. He knows my pain. He feels my grief as real as I feel it now. Simultaneously he knows the joy of having my mom home with him, healed forever. Grief and joy. A time to mourn and a time to dance. Jesus can mourn with me and dance with my mom. In Him all things truly do hold together. And in him I am held together.

Found at the Beach

Mom, one of my earliest memories of you is finding me at Topsail Beach when I went missing. 

I remember waking up early and having the exciting realization that I could join you and Dad on your morning walk on the beach. Little did I know that part of your purpose in the early hour walk was to have some time to yourselves without me and my sister. Now that I think about it, I smile thinking of the two of you enjoying time together walking on the sand, hearing the waves gently break on the shore. Walking with my husband on the beach, just us, is certainly one of my favorite things to do. But when you are toddler age, such appreciation is nonexistent because life is firmly centered on self. One must be in the middle of everything because if not… something of immense importance will surely be missed.

So with my centrist view of the world I got up and excitedly put on my shoes and went to the glass doors leading outside. Oddly, the coffee table was pushed up against the doors quite well, blocking my ability to reach the doorknob and lock. Logic and reason did not give me pause. With my now adult mind I can easily see that this barrier was meant to deter me from leaving the house. Instead, my toddler strength pushed the coffee table aside and I unlocked the door, bounced down the steps to the street and headed across the road to the beach access. I ran down the sandy path and arrived at the opening to see… beach and waves… and no people. No Mom. No Dad. Just waves and sand and sea grass to my right and left. Hmmm…. They must be walking fast today. I must run and catch up with them. To the right I ran, down onto the beach to the harder packed sand. Running… running… still no sight of Mom and Dad. And now I realize how much beach and sand there is… with no people. And this is no longer fun.

Exhilaration from the run and anticipation of finding them is quickly overtaken by concern and then abject fear. Ok, I will return to the high sand near the dunes and sea grass and look for the flag that marks the beach access point back to our rental house. The sand is so high up there and my little legs slow down a lot to make these hard high tracks. There’s a flag. Not our flag. There’s another flag, maybe that is our marker? I walk up that trail and see that the street and houses are not familiar. Back to the high sand to look for our flag again. So many flags now and all of them are so similar. Oh no, still no sign of Mom and Dad and now I do not know how to get back to the house where it is safe and familiar. I want my parents. I think I am lost. As the realization of this fact settles in I start to cry and I stop walking. I just stand in the high stand looking down at my feet and cry. A lot. Then I look up at the beachfront house directly in front of me. An older woman starts to walk down from her second floor porch. She is walking toward me now. Should I be afraid? I don’t know. So I continue to cry. She asks me if I am lost and I say yes. She says other things that I do not remember as I stand there and cry and cry and cry. Then she says her son can help me look for our beach rental. Alarm. A strange man? No, no, no and no again. I am uncertain about this strange woman, but she looks kind and is older. I like older people and standing here on this high sand immobile and crying is much preferred to walking away with a strange man. Oh my goodness what have I done?

Then up the beach, coming from the north from the direction I had been walking I see the most comforting and blessed sight imaginable. Mom!!! Mom walking toward me, quickly. Not running, walking and smiling. Not angry. Not crying. Walking and beaming at me. I move toward her, running I think, and land in her embrace immediately relieved and all fear melts away. She has a happy relieved exchange with the woman and then we start to walk together back to our house. I have no idea if she is talking to me, all I know is that I am holding Mom’s hand and my world is safe again. Fear is gone and today is going to be good. When we arrive at our rental, we start up the steps together and then Mom turns around so I turn around too. There’s my Dad in the distance, coming up the street! He sees me and starts to run and he is full on crying. He scoops me up into his big arms and holds me tight at his chest still crying. He carries me up the steps and we go into the house. My sister was much relieved to see me and I remember all three of their faces having an odd mixture of relief/happiness and stunned shock of some kind. Like, “Did that really just happen?” No one yelled at me. Just lots of hugs.

All these years later I remember my Mom following my footsteps knowing she would find me and I wonder what was going through her mind that allowed her to greet me gently with a smile and a hug. No scolding or fussing. No tears. Just her quiet confidence that she was there and I was safe. It must have been Jesus. He led her to my steps and ultimately to me. He must have whispered comfort to her and trust in Him that He would lead her to me. He must have strengthened her to let go of fear and cling to Him as she searched and believed all would be well.

His strength in her continues to speak to me today. At times in whispers and other times with the roar of a mighty wave crashing in. We will begin in home hospice care soon and this means that the natural course of her natural life is predicted to be 6 months at the most. Yet I know that her course is so much more supernatural. Her course has been His course. An unpredictable wild ride that leaves us breathless at times. I want her Home with Him more than I want her here with me. I want her supernatural footsteps to follow His into eternity where they will be face to face. At home. Safe. No fear. Only love. Forever found.

Found in my Mom

Mom 1967 (31 years old)

Mom 2018 (79 years old)

I look at these images of my mother with tears welling up in my eyes. And at the same time I feel a literal heart and soul swell. A flood really. Of love and memories and the deep knowing that my life is forever sweeter because she was, is and always will be my Mom.

Now for those of you that know me, my mom has not gone home just yet. Her sweetness lives just one street over and I will kiss her cheek in just a little while. 

That said, the time I have left with her on this side of life is short. It could be weeks or months. It could also be years. Doubtful that it will be many years. Regardless, my point is that time with her is more sacred now. Because I am reminded daily that her body is weakening and it will not take much for her body to give way to life eternal. 

Yet in this weakening I find that her soul is stronger than ever. And my own soul has more life and strength because of her. Because of her journey. Because of her faith.  Because of the belief she instilled in me that with God all things are possible. Because of the perseverance she displayed as a working Mom during a time when moms stayed home. 

That last one is a part of her journey, my journey, and our journey together that I am just now understanding the beauty of. You see, she has long thought that she missed the mark on motherhood by working full time. And for a while I also believed that lie. The convergence of those lies impacted our mother daughter journey for a time. But no more of that. This is the time for truth telling. 

So I ask you, humbly, and prayerfully if you would join me in this part of our journey? Would you walk with me in the days and weeks ahead as I tell you about my Mom? I promise to be honest and kind. I promise to be vulnerable and tell you the hard stuff. And I promise to share the truths that God has whispered to me over the years. He finds me every day and whispers His love and truth to me. 

In Him I have been found. That is why I started this blog eight years ago. The beauty of being found must be shared. And in this season I am also found in my mother's love. For she is one who first pointed me to Him.   

Faith: Found in His Faithfulness

Faith. A belief that there is a God, He loves me, His Son is Jesus and He died for me, and now the Holy Spirit lives in me. Yes, that is what I've thought faith was for oh, let's say my entire Christian life. Twenty-threeish years.

While that may be a part of faith, it is certainly does not encompass all that such a small, yet enormously powerful word means. I'm learning that faith in my life is trusting God, His Son, the Holy Spirit, this triune person... implicitly.

It's one thing to believe in the existence of God. It is entirely another to trust Him with every ounce of your being and make yourself vulnerable to the wild ride that is real faith.

Have you read the hall of fame of faith in Hebrews 11 in a while? It starts out with the definition of faith:  "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I hope for heaven and I'm certain that I will live there eternally one day. I don't struggle with doubts about death and life beyond with Jesus. In fact, some days I long for Him to return so that I can throw off the struggles of this earthly faith walk.

But what about hope and certainty in this life? What does faith really look like in a fallen world where the enemy of our soul runs rampant? Most of us will not experience an impending flood and massive ark construction. It is highly unlikely that God will repeat the Abraham Isaac test. But there are impending "floods" we've been called to prepare for and seemingly impossible choices and "tests" that are before all of us at one point or another.

The question is, will our faith be real? Will we be absolutely certain of what we do not see? At the moment, I can't see God's promise that I will come through on the other side of my currently splintered life and ridiculous circumstances. But I know that He's promised me I will. There's hardly even a glimpse of redemption right now, but His promise is still true.

"He does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17). God doesn't change His mind and put us on an emotional roller coaster. We get on that ride ourselves by listening to every vacillating emotional tide that comes our way.

How do I get to know this unchanging Person? He is known through His Word. And if He does not change, then His Word does not change and this living text can also be trusted. His word says that "The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it" (1 Thessalonians 5:24) and "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." (Psalm 100:5)

Those are just a few verses regarding His faithfulness toward us. So even when my faith is lacking, seems weak, or non-existent... He. Is. Faithful. How amazing is that? It floors me that I am loved by a God who does not leave me when I am at my lowest point. He is not exhausted by days of rock solid faith followed by weeks of despair and doubt. His faithfulness toward me is steady and strong and relentless.

He is the bridegroom that will never give up on me. He will never abandon me. My weakest moments do not scare Him. Instead, these moments make His love and faithfulness toward me even more evident. I know He is near. I know He carries me. He hurts when I hurt and "longs to be gracious to me and show me compassion" (Isaiah 30:18). I cannot do anything that will bring about rejection.

So the God of the universe, who could have anything, chooses to pursue me and be faithful to me despite all my doubts and fears and failures. He is faithful. He leaves the ninety-nine to find the one. And though I've been a believer and "found" for over twenty-three years, He continues to seek me out and find me daily. He finds me because of His faithfulness and He calls me to trust Him. 

To have faith.

Distraction

I have always considered myself a very focused person. I made good grades, I finished things I started - mostly. There is still 4 rows of knitting that were supposed to become a toboggan 14 years ago. Can't seem to unravel it. And there's my point... I'm really not all that good at focusing.

So many glorious things have happened in this past year. But I lost focus on Him yet again. He has redeemed, renewed, restored, rebuilt, re-everythinged my life. And still I am Doug from "Up" chasing the squirrels of this world.

I'm am so easily distracted. Oh my word, so easily distracted. But I don't think it's because I have diagnosable attention issues. At least not according to the DSM-V.

No, I'm distracted because I take my eyes off Jesus.

In the post that preceded this I used a verse from Hebrews 12 - "let us fix our eyes on Jesus..."
Please note that the previous post is now over a year old. Could it be that I got a bit distracted again? Um, yes.

Until the past two weeks. It started on another Palm Sunday.

Who is this you are making me?

It is a quiet rainy Sunday morning - Palm Sunday. This is the week before the world could finally be reconciled to it's Creator through the perfect sacrifice of Christ. It is a time of great reflection.

Reflection has been the theme of the past nine months of my life. In late July of last year everything that I thought was secure began to fall apart. Looking back, the crumbling began years before. But I couldn't see it. I was blind. I lived in fear. The most deceptive kind of fear. The fear that if I didn't do life on my own, my way, and in my timing that I would be a complete failure.

I was a hamster on a wheel. Spinning spinning spinning, going no where, and wearing myself out in the process. The irony is that all of this self-fueled effort was the real failure.

The wheel came to a screeching halt last summer. God did not intend for me to live the life of a hamster on a wheel, in a cage. He intended me to live a life of beautiful freedom in Him.

I had ignored His still small voice for too long. So He did what any good parent does. He loved me enough to let me fall. He knew that I would not listen until every false source of security was ripped away.

He literally threw me off the wheel, out of the cage I had built, and into the big scary world. The false sense of security I had developed over the course of many years quickly revealed itself as well.... false.

Much of my reflection in the months since has been a sorting out of what is false and what is true. The Truth versus the lies. I want to share more of that in the days and weeks to come and I think I might be ready to do just that. I've started to do that a few times on this blog, but I've never shared the full story.

That's a little scary. But not nearly as scary as living like a hamster in a cage.

Now that we've established that I'm not a hamster - yeah. Who is this He is making me to be? That's a question that Beth Moore asked during her Simulcast on September 15, 2012. There were 7 points within that talk. The one that has me in reflection today is number 6:

"Faith rests its case on the resurrection of the dead." 

Yes it does.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of throne of God." 

Hebrews 12:2

That verse has run through my mind more often that I could dare to count during these months. Through His resurrection I too am resurrected. I have real life because of Him. No more hamster on a wheel. It's a life of daring adventure and excitement around every corner. It's freedom.

Life is actually not complicated when we truly "fix our eyes." It gets complicated when we focus on anything else. Not only does it get complicated, it gets constricted because our own worries and fears create boundless limits to what we think can happen.

Beth Moore's follow-up to point 6:

"All bets are off... He can do anything."

And oh my word... the anything has left me breathless lately. What took years to nearly destroy, God has redeemed and restored in nine short months. I want to share more of that with you and I pray for the courage to do so.

I hope you too have had time to be quiet and reflect on this Sunday.

Transition

I have been unemployed for a little over two months. Please don't lament for me, this was my choice. I'll admit, I have questioned my decision at times, but for the majority of the past 9ish weeks I have been quite content to break away from a high pressure full-time job.

Now, I'm supposed to be writing feverishly on my dissertation during this time. I'm getting there.

What I did not realize (and have never realized for that matter) is that major life changes don't often lend themselves well to jumping from one high pressure situation into another. There is a very real, very tangible, very necessary place for transition.

Hmm... that's actually the focus of my dissertation. Students with disabilities who are in transition from school to work. That's funny, I had not intention of that coming out or connecting when I started this blog post. The first title was going to be "Rediscovering and Redefining" and then that sentence came out. That's how He works though. Love Him.

So I'm in transition. I'm healing. I'm sipping my coffee a little longer and reading the local newspaper each morning. I have the time to make a shopping list based on the 3 sale papers of grocery stores I like. I'm meeting friends for lunch. I'm listening more. I could go on and on and on.....

And I will, tomorrow.

But right now I am leaving the public library because a sweet neighbor friend of my parents just walked in and as we chatted it turns out she needs to go to the same grocery store I do. And on a recent trip to Memphis she picked up something she'd like to give them and I'm going to journey with her.

Day 31: Found at the Cemetery

I know, it's not exactly a catchy or cute title for today's post. But hey, it's Halloween so maybe it is mildly appropriate. 

I went by another cemetery today. I took my dad a few weeks ago so that we could leave flowers at his parents' and grandparents' (my grandparents' and great grandparents') graves. This is not something that we do often - or really at all. But in my recent return home I have the overwhelming urge to learn about and from my past.

Here's a picture of my great grandparents:

Daisy & Horace
c. 1906

Horace rode across the mountain from Tennessee into North Carolina on a horse for like 20ish miles just to court Daisy. Can you imagine?

And here is their fourth child, my grandmother.

Merill
c. 1938

She was 28 in this picture and already had four children of her own. She drove her entire life without ever obtaining a license. At some point in the late 70s or early 80s she was pulled over and cited by a city policeman, but she still did not get her license. 

And here is a picture of her parents, Horace and Daisy, in their later years. Many many many exciting, strange, scary, miraculous, sad, joyous, and lovely things happened between that picture from 1906 and this picture in 1965. 

Horace & Daisy
c. 1965

I hope I can write about these things some day. Growing up I heard many hilarious stories about these family members. After all, when folks are gone we want to retell the joyous and the funny things right? Nothing wrong with that. There's a host of things about this side of my family that I want to cement into my memory and into the traditions I create with my family.

But there's more to a person's life than the happy. There's the sad. There's the generational behaviors or tendencies (and sometimes sin) that happened too. There's the stuff that if left unmentioned and ignored may be repeated for generations to come. I don't intend to go on some gossip finding mission or anything - not at all. But in listening to stories and events I have started to "hear" things differently and wonder.

And when I look at myself, my family, and my decisions I can't help noticing some striking similarities. Some make me laugh. Others make me cry.

Today when I removed the dead flowers I stared at my maiden name on my grandparents grave. How do I want my family's name to be remembered? What part of "us" do I want to live on and what part of "us" must die in order that He might live? I guess I can't ask those questions in the plural. I can't decide what other family members will do with our heritage.

But I can make that choice myself. Hmm... wrong again. I'd rather He make those choices, whisper them to my heart, and then I obey.

More to come...

Days 27, 28, 29 and 30: Found in the Small

I have the general feeling of being small lately. I can't say that I welcomed this feeling. By "small" I do not mean anything regarding an actual or tangible size to anything. I just mean the opposite of the generally large/overwhelming/often-times all-consuming things of this life.

I used to have a "big" job. I frantically worked to establish and improve my image in my field. I made presentations, dressed older than my age, and wrote about survey results and such. And I talked about it a lot.

Now I have no job. Doesn't get much smaller than "none." In fact, I've been turned down for every job that I have applied for in 10 months. Makes me feel quite small.

I can no longer end my days looking back on the previous 8 to 10 hours patting myself on the back for a great presentation, a finished report, or kudos from my employer or coworkers. While none of those are bad things in and of themselves I now realize how much I depended on my "big" job to define me.
I'm actually more joyful and peaceful in my current unemployment than I ever was in my job.

And it's not just the lack of a job that makes me feel small. I also do not live in my own house. Instead, I reside in a small guest room at my aunt's house. The clothes I brought take up one side of a small closet and three dresser drawers. Seriously - that's it. My schedule (or lack of) also makes me feel small. I literally spent about 10 minutes this morning putting "library" into the next 6 weeks of my calendar so that it would say something.

All this smallness has left me a lot of time to pray and listen. I purposely did not say "think." Inordinate amounts of time "thinking" out of my own devices (aka "my flesh") never go well for me. No... that's actually speaks more to the largeness of myself and my ideas. And we're talking about being small today. So I'm learning to embrace this "more of Him, less of me" way of life.

And that makes me feel small in a very cool way.

Day 26: Found in Fish

I was going to title this one "Found in Salmon Patties" - but I just couldn't.  However, there ya go, it's the first line.

Two days ago I made salmon patties in an effort to use what was available in the pantry instead of buying new groceries. I truly love these fishy things. Apparently they were a staple if you grew up in the 1940s, 50s, and 60s. I did not grow up then, but my parents are older and as such I grew up taking part in older traditions.

It had been a very very long time since I had made these so I followed a recipe. I then had the bright idea to share my leftovers with a family member. This person loves these fishy treats as well. So when I called to thank this person for the food items they left in exchange (their idea not mine), I was surprised to discover that a compliment and rave reviews were not in order. Nope. What did I get?

Person:  "What did you think of them? Did you like them?"
Me:  "Yes."
Person:  "Did you think they tasted like your mom's?"
Me:  "Um... I actually liked mine a lot. I've not had my mom's in like 10 plus years. I don't know. I'm sure hers were better. Most things she makes are."
Person:  "Yeah, I thought so. Can I offer you some suggestions should you make them again?"
Me:  "Sure."

Really? Why do some people only offer up a healthy dose of criticism at every possible opportunity? I was trying to do something nice. I've actually avoided this person a lot lately for this very reason. Then the minute I go out on a limb and try... that's what I get.

And then to myself I say "Really? You're going to let salmon patty criticism ruin your evening? Really? Are you that insecure?"

Yes, yes I am. There are moments when my flesh is that weak.

And then I laughed a lot. At the entire situation.

And then my husband showed up the next night as I was just finishing up the last salmon patty leftover. Another "Really?" We're trying to mend things and the night he shows up I'm parked in front of the television with a TV tray smelling of canned fish. Really I say?"

And then I laughed a lot - again.

Thank you for finding me in fish Jesus.

Days 23, 24, and 25: Found in No Surprises

During these months, weeks, days, and minutes of being found I keep being reminded of something a dear person prayed over me:

"Jesus, this is not a surprise to you."

Truly, there are absolutely no surprises for Him. None. 

The possible "perfect storm" brewing out in the Atlantic - He sees it coming. He already knows the outcome. The exact path. Every molecule of seawater that it will move. 

The "perfect storms" of relationships, illness, and loss -  He also sees those coming. And He already knows the outcome. The exact path we will take. Every tear we will cry. Every word we will yell. Every cancer cell and healthy cell that chemo will destroy. Every relationship that it will alter. 

These storms often do not meet our expectations of fairness. My human mind cannot reason its way through to understanding the purpose of it all. Asking why and wondering to what end is a normal default. It's how our human minds are trained.

I'm a little over being "normal" by human standards though. Normal has not served me well. Normal reasons, figures out, blames, wallows, turns inward, and becomes a victim. Normal is exhausting.

Instead, I'm craving the foolish default setting. The wisdom of heaven is often seen as foolishness in the eyes of this world. Such foolishness trusts, walks it out, commends, praises, reaches out, and becomes a victor. Foolishness is exhilarating. 

Now please understand, I am by no means an expert on embracing the foolish and forsaking the normal. No, I'm just learning these lessons. And I will continue to learn them for the rest of this earthly life. But in the moments of clarity when I listen long enough to hear Him whisper, "I'm not surprised by this" I have found the sweetest rest. Instead of dwelling on the circumstance He has reminded me of His indwelling Spirit. And where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 

Where is the Spirit of the Lord? In me.

What else is found in that place? Freedom.

So I can live in freedom. 

Freedom.

Freedom from fear, blame, doubt, depression, apathy, rage, malice, and on and on and on and on. 

No matter what storms swirl around me, these things cannot hold me captive. They will not conquer me. I am more than a conquerer. 

He has marked out the race already. No twists, turns, rain, sunshine, valleys, Alp like climbs, speed bumps, or even face plants on the pavement will shock Him. 

And because He is in me... they don't have to shock me either. 

Again, this is a new way of thinking and behaving for me. As I type it I fully expect to trip on my walk back to my car and literally face plant in the parking lot.

But... what if this kind of thinking became our default setting? Can you imagine?

Days 20, 21, and 22: Found in Family

I have spent this past long weekend soaking up some much needed time with my family.

My aunts and uncles are in their late 70s and early 80s. Most of my first cousins are in their 50s or older. I have always loved being in this kind of older family dynamic. They take time with each other. They tell stories - really well. The same stories actually. And I always laugh hysterically even though I know what is coming next. They simply never get old.

We love to play cards. Variations of gin and canasta I suppose. Our favorite for the past several years has been Hand and Foot. While I've been living away for the past 3 years they started playing this game with partners. I discovered a few weeks ago that they always sit in the same spots around the dining room table at my aunt's house. Six players - always.

My uncle passed this summer. So when I moved back home I took his place.
"Took his place." Doesn't sound or seem right.

So now I'm partners with my Aunt Ann for Hand and Foot. She's quite the card player. This past weekend though my aunt had a church event the night we played cards. So, my cousin who was visiting took her place. My uncle was her father. So she sat in his place. And I sat in my aunt's place at the head of the table.

I voiced that I was not comfortable with taking her seat. You see my aunt is quite a force. And I mean that as a compliment. She commands a room in an amazingly strong, yet soft and feminine way. There's no "taking her place."She should be pictured next to "hostess" in Webster's.

We still had a truly lovely evening though. The card game was a hoot though my cousin and I started a game with negative 2,000ish points after one hand. Ha! We ate, shared stories, teased, and reminisced.

Being around them awakens something powerful within me. I'm sure you've experienced the same with your families. I wonder what pieces of them I will carry with me when they are gone. Will my children enjoy being around their aunts and uncles this much as they grow up? I sure hope so.

Day 19: Found in Unemployment

Well, I interviewed for a job about a month ago and learned today that someone else was selected. I got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I really thought I had it. The panel seemed to like me and I liked them. My references were called and they all told me that their conversations with the hiring manager were just spectacular. I still knew it was not a done deal. But I sure did have my hopes up.

I shed a few tears. But honestly... I felt peace about 15 or 20 minutes after the initial shock. Truly, I did.

He has a different plan for me. It's still unfolding. Whatever He has marked out for me is spectacular. And the rest of this afternoon was just that.

I took my niece to see my friend. My friend dressed her sweet dog in a Halloween t-shirt and we laughed a lot. We went to the Farmer's Market to buy apple cider and look at crafts. Then my husband asked me to meet him at work briefly. He was so kind and understanding about how I felt. He experienced the same "let down" a year or so ago. Again, there was a much better plan for him. It's nice to have those rare moments in life when you or someone else truly "get it" when you feel a certain way. It was comforting.

And now I'm off to make chicken chili for an all afternoon-all evening family card playing event tomorrow. The chili will be better if it sits for a while.

As will my future....

Day Eighteen: Found in Faith

I spent most of the day riding around a very rural and draw-droppingly beautiful county near where I grew up. My dad has been wanting to visit an old family cemetery. He attended decoration, dinner, and singing-on-the-grounds every since he could remember up until some time in the 1980s when the older family members had all passed. 

It was a lovely trip listening to family stories and connecting to my heritage. 

Before we left this morning I was feeling rather squirrely about my life and thankfully God led me to Hebrews 11 and 12. Talk about connecting to my heritage. Thank you Lord for the heritage of faith that still lives in these pages of your Word.

It all spoke to me, but here’s what ended up scribbled hurriedly in my journal (like the Word was going anywhere) - oh, and the italics are of course my emphasis though in my journal they are in bold, sometimes underlined, occasionally boxed in and starred like a cinema sign:

“Abraham went to the land of his inheritance though he did not know where he was going…made his home like a stranger in the promised land”

“they welcomed the promises from a distance”

“Moses chose to be mistreated”

“regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value”

“He left Egypt, not fearing”

“he persevered because he saw him who was invisible”

“whose weakness was turned to strength”

“run with perseverance the race marked out for us”

“let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our…..

FAITH

So this cemetery was beautiful and there is host of my family’s heritage there. I’m already establishing my own story in that heritage and the one in His Word. They are the same.

He called me home though I was not sure what I would find.

He whispered His promises to me and I welcomed them.

I’ve been mistreated along the way.

Many days I have regarded the disgrace of my circumstances of greater value.

I was fearless when I left.

I have persevered because I have seen Him who is invisible.

My weaknesses are becoming strengths because that’s what He does.

My race has already been marked out for me.

My eyes are fixed on Jesus. Yes they are in this moment.

And in the moments when they are not, He lovingly lifts my head again. Because He is the author and the perfecter of MY…

FAITH

Day Seventeen: Found in Being Still (my version at least)

So there are no posts for Days 13, 14, 15, and 16.
Oh well.

Reasons:

• did not make the effort to go to a Wifi location
• day 13 felt ominous for writing, I know silly superstitious non-sense
• day 13:  went to a one-year-old's party that day actually, quite fun, full of happy young couples with cute babies though - yep, made me sad; drove home from the party crying on and off wondering when it would be "my turn" - yep, hate to admit it, but true
• day 14:  had to let my emotions surface that day; I've kept myself "together" quite well in recent weeks (months really), but the floodgates opened, not "ugly" tears though, just needed to feel and let God hold me; also watched The Sandlot that day - fun, fun
• day 15:  drove most of the day, lots of good time to think; yeah for day 14's events b/c this day was renewed energy and joy and sweet time in the car with my tunes
• day 16:  reacclimating to my guest room life with my 82 year old aunt - I say that will all the love and excitement in the world for this season, truly, very fun

Biggest reason:

• I didn't want to and it felt nice to "fail" at the 31 Days and not beat myself up about it. It is what it is.

What I've learned from this:

• Psalm 46:10 is an awesome verse. Love love love it. "Be still and know that I am God."
• My "being still" looks like no one else's. I'm uniquely designed in absolutely every facet of my being. He knows that. I need to know that. I'm rather outgoing and outspoken. I'm also filled to the brim:  full of emotion, full of energy, full of optimism, full of wonder, full of questions, full hope. So at times He wants me to dial it back a bit. Not because any of those things are bad, no no. I just need to "still" myself a bit. Dial back the outgoing and embrace a bit of introversion. Dial back the outspoken and speak a tad less. Dial back the emotion and simply live in the Truth, no matter how I "feel." Even in happiness - that emotion does not define me. Dial back the energy - hence me only leaving my house for about 30 minutes on Day 14. Dial back the optimism. I know that seems odd. But sometimes I just need to be sad and be ok with that. Dial back the wonder. I've stared in wonder at the Monarch's for ridiculous periods of time recently. Nothing wrong with that. But there are times when I also need to do the mundane like vacuuming up the cat hair. He's in that too. Dial back the questions - yes, that's a good one. Walk it out, that's what I said, right? Dial back the hope...hmm... seems like a strange thing to say. But I mean dial back the hope in my own flesh. Dial back the hope in circumstances and dial up the hope in Him. Be still and know.

What does your "being still" look like?

Day Twelve: Found in Family-Friends

It has been an odd week. I have literally and figuratively revisited places that have been the source of much hurt. However, the Lord has been faithful (as always) and has truly walked it out with me. He has been brave within me when I wanted to run and hide. He has shifted hearts and circumstances in ways only He can.

Yet at the end of this week I felt very tired and I allowed the weight of all that I have faced start to weigh me down. I forgot about his perfectly crafted yoke for a while. Instead I put on the cheaper one-size-fits-all kind that the world designed. It was not easy. It was not light. It hurt.

It weighed me down with regret and shame. Thank you Lord that I only did this for a few hours. While driving.

Then I finally arrived at my friend's house and her in-laws were also visiting. I had never met these lovely folks before. We spent the evening cooking out, playing with my friend's little girl, telling deep South stories full of color and humor. These people are real.

And they ask real questions.

Where are your people from?
Where are you living now?
What size town did you grow up in?
Now what does your husband do?
When are y'all planning on having some babies?

Thank you Jesus that you have brought me to a place where I can answer these questions honestly and without hesitation.

I may not have all the answers to those questions that I would like to have at the moment. But You've let me know that the current answers are just fine. Because you continue to work out the final answers.

Day 11: Found in the Bittersweet

Yesterday I talked about being found in a paradox.

Today I'm thinking about my best friend whose precious daughter is one year old - today.
And how this morning her husband rushed their dog to the vet to discover he had to be put to sleep.

Happy 1st Birthday! You lost your first family pet.

I cursed when she told me. Yes I did. It was the only thing I could think to say.

So of course I'm thinking about other bittersweet moments in life.
I'm also thinking about other paradoxes.

Death and life
First and last
Loss and gain
Forsaking and taking
Beauty from ashes
Strength from despair
Gladness from mourning
A way in the desert
Streams in the wasteland

I still trust that in Him all things hold together.

As my friend said, "it's still going to be a great day." So happy first birthday sweet girl. I pray your life is full of more sweet than bitter. But I know that difficulties will come, they will. So I pray too that you always find your way back to beauty.

Day Ten: Found in a Paradox

I had a meeting today that is going to change the course of some things.

As I continue to be found, sorting out the truth from the lie has become a pass time. Not exactly fun, but a necessary endeavor for sure. 

Much of what I accepted as truth has been flipped on its head in recent weeks. By extension, some individuals that I once trusted to speak truth have also done a sort of a flip (literally and figuratively).

There's truth and then there's the Truth. As I draw closer to Jesus I draw closer to Truth. Because He is Truth.

And Truth sheds light on everything. What was once falsely deemed "darkness" and a "lie" is actually the truth. In turn, much of what I thought was the "light" was a facade, a great masquerade.

My meeting lasted for nearly three and a half hours. Good stuff. Very productive.

Here's how we greeted one another:

me:  "Hey!!!"
person:  "Hi there!"
(me and person exchange a brief hug)
person:  "Welcome to the dark side (smiling)."
me:  "Sorry it took me so long to see the light."

Day Nine: Found in the Monarchs

This is a female Monarch butterfly. 

I had to park a long long way from my destination today. So very glad, because my long walk led me by a garden I usually ignore. Not today. Nope, I'm loving this "eyes wide open" state of being lately.

 I had the recent privilege of attending a seminar on the Monarch migration. Yesterday I talked about miracles. This yearly migration is most definitely a miracle.

She's feeding on a butterfly bush because she desperately needs nectar to give her energy for the rest of her trip to Mexico (the Sierra Madre to be exact).

When she arrives there she will "overwinter" until next Spring. 

She could have started her long journey from as far away as Canada. Seriously.

Instinct tells her to fly South. She has no clue if she will find enough nectar flowers along the way. 

She simply flies on faith. Ok, so it's instinct. But go with me here on the faith thing. 

She just goes. She trusts. She flies and finds what she needs along the way. Not what she wants, what she needs. It's her version of walking it out

Gazing at her brings to mind such courage. She will literally eat nothing once she gets to Mexico. It's ok because the temperature in the Sierra Madre is so cool that it will not use her energy stores much at all. She will rest when she gets there.

She's not the only one who made the journey of course. 

thank you Google images

thank you again Google images

At some point next Spring instinct (aka faith) will urge her again to take flight. She's ready for her next adventure. She will fly as far as she can go and lay her eggs. She will bring new life into the world. She will leave her own legacy.

And somehow, her great-great-grandchildren will find their way back to Mexico again. Seriously, it takes a generation. Scientists first discovered there migration pattern and destination in the 1970s. National Geographic first published the amazing discovery in 1976. Here's the greatest part....

They still have no idea how future generations continue to find their way!

"Another unsolved mystery is how Monarchs find the overwintering sites each year. Somehow they know their way, even though the butterflies returning to Mexico or California each fall are the great-great-grandchildren of the butterflies that left the previous spring. No one knows exactly how their homing system works; it is another of the many unanswered questions in the butterfly world."  

from www.monarchwatch.org

When I notice these Monarchs now I can't help but stare at their beauty. It's not just their amazing colors. It's their entire story. Every last detail is stunning.

She takes my breath away.

Our stories were meant to be this way too.

Full of faith, no room for fear.
Taking in exactly what we need along the way.
Resting at times, readying ourselves for the next adventure.
Bringing life (in all forms) into this world because of the journey.
Leaving a legacy that lasts for generations.